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  Copyright © 2017 Marcus Achison

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

  Matador

  9 Priory Business Park,

  Wistow Road, Kibworth Beauchamp,

  Leicestershire. LE8 0RX

  Tel: 0116 279 2299

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador

  Twitter: @matadorbooks

  ISBN 978 1788032 322

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

  To Anne Wood.

  Contents

  Introduction

  Advertisement: Mucky Nesbitt’s Giraffe and Wasp Hire

  Holiday Choice Recommends The Islands of Northern Dakota

  Advanced Dentistry Tuition

  News for Clowns

  Top Band Announce Break Up: Guttural Phlegm Game to Split

  Advertisement: Gubbenstery College

  Reasonable Breakfast Opportunities

  Ask Marjorie!

  Community News

  Aviation News

  Exciting New Rabbit Recipes

  Advertisement: Monkey Oil

  The University of Gubbenstery

  The Mystery of The Spawn Hog

  Finance and Foreplay Tuition

  Important Educational Report: Ironball

  Borstal News

  Classified Rancid Eggs for Sale

  Sports News

  The Legend that is: Agnes Bowhandle of the Wild West

  Women’s Classified Products

  World Famous Magician and his Assistant: Bob Leopard and Cynthia Pompo

  For the greatest day of your life Visit Alcoholand

  Outstanding Trouser Facilities

  News Report: East Buntyside Pig and Mountain Lion Research Unit

  If you enjoy a laugh, you’ll have a great day at: The Funny Farm

  Activities for the Young at Heart

  Advertisement: Now Open to the Public Gubbenstery Castle

  Football Round Up

  This Year’s Pub of the Year Winner: The Cat and Dog Home Inn

  Underwear Monitoring Equipment

  Articles of Interest: Human Physiology: Part 1: The Mind

  Personal and Confidential Information

  The Diary of Clovis Pumly (aged 35)

  The Great Entertainers: No.1: Arthur Gallpod

  Advertisement: The Reginald Pottage World of Adventure

  Very Specific Vacancies

  Special Enquiry Report: Alleged Barbarity by Gubbenstery Police

  Advertisement: Music Direct to You for Money Presents Top Artists Latest Releases

  Amazing Lard-Based Enterprises

  An East Buntyside Gazette Exclusive: Attack of the Parasitic Mind Wasp

  Forthcoming Attraction: International Psychic Nobby Boonalamb

  The story of Gotitty’s

  Advertisement: Joobis and Jupty Supermarket

  From the Chronicles of Desire and Wishy-washiness: Stories of Love and Romance

  Hencock and Cockhen Supermarket

  Restaurant Reviews

  Tales of Wonder and Amazement: The Adventures of Pumper the Dog

  Automobile and Pastry Events

  Advertisement: Captain Kingussie’s Penis Powder!

  The Diary of Peter Sensipanties (aged 35)

  Items Free to a Good Home

  New Album Reviews

  Chemical Sanitisation Systems

  Film Reviews

  New Family Pub Opens: The Buttered Nostril

  Items of Wonder and Bewilderment

  Crime Update: McAfferty Gang Arrested

  The Story of Budgerigarfield Thompson

  Gubbenstery Theme Pubs Guide

  The Lifestyles of Interesting People: No.1: Gary Basteroid

  Advertisement: New From Spozian and Thrattle Robust Remedies Ltd Digestion Pills

  Bargains for All

  Advertisement: New from Cubbity and Bollyoil Blooteraid

  Gubbenstery News in Brief

  General Safety Alert!: The Baboon Hazard

  Steam-Powered Tights for Hire

  News Alert: Goblins Back in Scotland

  Classified Starters and Main Courses

  Unusual Animal Facts: Vol.1

  Crime News Special: The Trial of Mavis and Mabel Splemm

  Advertisement: Whoopit & Darbox Medical Supplies

  The Spanzino Medical Centre

  Outdoor and Indoor Bargains

  Crime News Update: The Hunt for Ron Gasim and Keith Bem

  Advertisement: Spizzly and Poheedron Fundament Care

  Special Advance Announcement: Exhilarating New Board Games

  Gubbenstery Theme Pubs Guide No. 2

  Introduction

  It’s the book you can’t put down. I’ve tried to put it down but I couldn’t. That’s why I’m still holding it. There’s a lot of interesting and very odd stuff in it, and I should know because I can’t put it down. There are very strange items about foreign travel, buttock maintenance, baboons, parasitic mind wasps and borstals. Other even more strange items inform us about goblins, unusual medical procedures, Yekky Doris and the truly repugnant Spawn Hog. You will find it hard to believe your very eyes when you read the pages of this truly startling book. You will read and reread the pages to try to comprehend the magnitude of the information contained therein.

  Vera Mutance (Miss), Out and About Reporter for The Gubbenstery Examiner.

  Advertisement

  Mucky Nesbitt’s Giraffe and Wasp Hire

  In these austere days of doom and gloom, a good night out is a great distraction from the problems of everyday life. However, most parties consist of the same tired old acts. If it’s not strippers, it’s magicians or the despicable karaoke. Other acts such as cretin circuses, monkey wrestling, and nose jousting have been tried but proved to be too expensive. Now though, help is at hand with Mucky Nesbitt’s Giraffe and Wasp Hire. Mucky himself has developed special breeds of giraffes and wasps that are completely at home in human company and are nearly almost safe to handle within reason. Indeed, sometimes Mucky will ride home from his laboratory astride his favourite giraffe, Bimly Smith, while wearing a full beard of wasps, many of whom he knows by name. Mucky says this is a very relaxing and eco-friendly mode of transportation despite the abuse he receives from members of the public and the numerous arrests he has had for inappropriate possession of wild beasts in a town centre. Now these giraffes and wasps are available for hire at reasonable prices for birthday parties, leaving dos, bar mitzvahs and all manner of celebrations.

  Prices start at £100.02 per giraffe per week and £100.01 per box of 500 raging wasps per day.

  Wasps are supplied in a cardboard box (with breathing holes).

  Giraffes are supplied in a larger cardboard box (with larger breathing holes).

  Creature food is included in the price for an additional one-off payment of £39.

  Candy floss and ice cream are supplied for the giraffes.

  Flowers, anchovies and cheese puffs are supplied for the wasps.

  “A real bargain, I thoroughly endorse Mucky’s products,” Ruth Squalid.

 
“Never again, I was stung from head to foot and had to use a flame thrower to quell the brutal onslaught of the angry wasps,” Ron Dubious.

  “It was a nightmare. About fifty wasps went down my wife’s throat and the giraffe kicked my dog’s head off,” Rear Admiral Norbert (Nobby) Quazy.

  “It’s a very odd concept but it worked for me, apart from the trampling and multiple stings,” Sir Quiggly Gramlington (Deceased).

  “Don’t do it. I hired three giraffes and a thousand wasps for my son’s birthday. The wasps stung everyone in the house and then set up a nest in my frail great aunt’s mouth. All three giraffes stampeded and ended up in the attic after trampling my next-door neighbour to death. They had to be slaughtered by a passer-by,” Captain Doreen Stupefy (Mr).

  “I didn’t know wasps ate cheese puffs,” Oscar de la McMillan.

  “I much prefer bees and wildebeest,” Rory Tyrosine.

  M. Nesbitt, Supplier of Items Various Ltd, 84 Bewilder Road, Spunley-on-Sea.

  Holiday Choice

  Recommends

  The Islands of Northern Dakota

  By our none-too-bright reporter Barry Android

  This week, Holiday Choice recommends the beautiful Islands of Northern Dakota. This seldom visited vacation location is brimming with treats and things to do for the whole family. A speedy ten hour flight from Heathrow gets you to this delightful holiday destination. You will arrive refreshed at Gangpox International Airport on the dazzling island of Spewmarillow, the largest of the three magical islands of Northern Dakota. The other two islands, Spewmaglando and Spewmadando are nearby. Each island offers a wide range of activities and adventures and our intrepid reporter Barry Android went to find out more.

  Spewmarillow

  I arrived in Spewmarillow after a delayed 29-hour flight from Heathrow via Tokyo and Madagascar absolutely wrecked and dishevelled. The first thing I noticed on arrival was the intense heat and clouds of biting flies, and that was inside the terminal building. It appears that the airport was also being used as a veterinary clinic and builder’s merchant, which made it very messy and filled with a strange array of yells, squawks and screeches. When I set foot outside the airport the heat became even more intolerable. I checked the temperature gauge on my watch and it read a staggering 79°C, at midnight. I was being boiled alive so I had to immediately strip naked and throw my clothes away. I hailed a taxi and ordered the driver to take me to Wild Baby Cabins Resort, my home for the next two days. I noticed the cab driver was also naked and he told me the weather had cooled down quite a bit from the previous week. I found it hard to believe that it could get any hotter. The driver drove incredibly fast through the night for about sixteen hours before dropping me at my shanty town-style log cabin. It was now four in the afternoon and the intense, bludgeoning heat seemed to affect my eyesight and I couldn’t see properly, so I went straight to bed. When I awoke I was in a hospital bed surrounded by doctors and nurses and was hooked up to all sorts of bleeping machines. My eyesight seemed to be okay now and I noticed that all the doctors and nurses were naked. The consultant in charge, a Professor Dave Sperm, told me I had been brought in to A & E by the superintendent of Wild Baby Cabins, who found me lying on a dirt track bleeding from the eyes. Apparently I was very lucky to be alive and was suffering from heat exhaustion and burst eyes. I was discharged by Professor Sperm and ordered to keep my temperature down. I left the hospital, still naked, and boarded the overnight ferry to Spewmaglando.

  Spewmaglando

  The voyage across the Sea of Prandy to Spewmaglando took over thirty hours and was a terrifying crossing. The wind was high and the sea was raging with colossal 90-foot waves crashing over the deck. We ran aground on sandbanks twice, collided with two other ships, one of which sank, and finally crashed into the pier at over thirty knots on our arrival at Spewmaglando Island. Several passengers were injured, the bow of the ship came off and two giant poodles drowned. I climbed onto the pier, miraculously with only a broken nose and two black eyes, where I had been kicked by a terrified escaped mule that ran amok on deck. The minute I arrived on Spewmaglando, the rain stopped, the wind dropped and the sun came out. The heat picked up rapidly and once more I found myself being baked alive. I was already naked, so I couldn’t cool down by taking my clothes off. I decided to seek the shade of a large mango tree to give myself time to gather my senses. The minute I sat down, I was bitten on the upper lip by a mountain lion and copiously sprayed by a massive skunk. For supposedly being on holiday, I was in a right state. My black eyes had swollen to nearly shut, my broken nose was blocked and I could hardly breath, my upper lip was streaming blood by the gallon and I was absolutely stinking of skunk piss. I decided to make my way to the caravan that was booked for me at the oddly named Killer Bee Recreational Vehicle Park. I was so hot and uncomfortable by this time that I decided to rent a large refrigerated truck to take me to the caravan park. The journey should have taken no more than thirty minutes but two days later I was still in the back of the truck. I was just about frozen to death and about to inhale my last breath when the back door opened and the driver announced casually that I was at my destination. I wanted to ask him what had taken so long but my tongue had swollen to the size of a basketball and I couldn’t speak. He eventually dragged me out of the truck, carried me to my caravan and put me to bed. I couldn’t move so I just lay there and fell asleep. When I finally woke up I found myself once more in the intensive care ward of a hospital with about twenty naked doctors and nurses standing around me. Before I could say a word, one of the doctors told me I had fallen asleep, started sleepwalking and ended up staggering into a nest of killer bees. I could now add frostbite, cracked ribs, a dislocated kneecap and over four hundred killer bee stings to my growing list of ailments. I was in agony and stank to high heaven but they said they needed the beds so I was released. The very second I exited the hospital I was once more pummelled by the sun. The air was so hot and thick I thought I was going to vomit up my ribcage. My watch read 81°C, as the sweat on my brow became a torrent. I hailed a cab and the naked driver drove to the airport where I boarded the 7pm flight to Spewmadando.

  Spewmadando

  My flight was late, due to a burst tyre and missing wing, but once that was sorted we took off and began our thirty minute island hop over the Sea of Cowbag to Spewmadando Island and the continuation of my vacation. We immediately encountered extreme turbulence and quite a few passengers, who were not wearing their seatbelt, were bounced off the ceiling of the plane and killed outright. We then flew into a tropical storm and flipped upside down, before the pilot regained control. Just as the flight was settling down, we crashed into a huge flock of geese, which destroyed the engines and we started plummeting to the ground. The pilot reassured us and said the aircraft was designed to be hit by geese and plummet towards the ground. He managed to glide the plane onto the runway, albeit at eight hundred miles per hour. The landing was heavy and I lost all my upper teeth and bit through my tongue, but I survived. I went for a walk in downtown Spewmadando in an attempt to see the sights but this was proving to be the hottest island of the three. I could hardly stand. My legs had turned to jelly and I had run out of sweat and my head was pounding. I went into a bar and ordered a glass of milk and a 5-pound slice of blue cheese. I then moved on to whisky, vodka and beer and ended up totally legless in only fifteen hours. The last thing I remember is setting fire to the bar and passing out. A month later I woke up at my desk in the offices of Holiday Choice and wrote up my report on the Islands of Northern Dakota. It truly is an exciting place to visit and is very relaxing with guaranteed year-round beautiful weather. It has an excellent transportation system and you can travel across all three islands cheaply and efficiently. The people are friendly and the wildlife is enchanting. My advice would be to get yourself over there before it becomes too commercialised and loses its charm.

  Advanced Dentistry Tuition

  Gubbenstery’s wealthiest couple, Lucinda and Humphrey Gabardine-Smyth ar
e proud to announce the arrival of their first child. Mortimer Gabardine-Smyth (the third) was born eighteen years ago but the butler forgot to put the ad in the paper.

  Huge variety of spare parts available at incredible prices. Why not come and make a day of it? Free parking, free food and a free pregnant tabby cat when you spend more than £5. We are situated adjacent to the waste ground across from the zonce.

  Gubbenstery High School Choir has teamed up with local media guru Seymour Rancorous to release their second album of hymns sung in the style of the Bolivian Howler Monkey. This follows last year’s collection of wedding anthems sung in the style of the stampeding African elephant.

  Coal-fired Rocking Horse with real horse inside for sale. Thirty feet high and sixty feet long. Would suit any outsized child. Comes with year’s supply of coal and hay. Phone Miss Josephine Le Margarine right away on Gubbenstery 1234.

  Gymnast for hire. Will climb all over your house, inside and out. Can leap from cooker to fridge complete with mid-air summersault, swing from light fittings and balance one-legged on top of any moving dog or cat. Phone Yevgeny D’Ismount for prices.

  Lonely male accountant seeks lonely female tax loss adjuster for high seas adventure in homemade wooden canoe. Must be fluent in Hebrew and whatever they speak in Madagascar. Write to Mr Neville Bland, Banal Cottage, North Tedious Avenue, East Buntyside.

  News for Clowns

  The most informative newsletter for the working idiot today

  Edited by our in-house prankster Cosmo Stodge

  Clown Mauled by Lion

  One of the world’s best-known Russian clowns was mauled yesterday by a male lion at the Moscow Circus of Clowning and Tomfoolery. Buffo the clown, real name Hamish Booginskaya, was nipping the great cat’s tail with a pair of pliers for a laugh when the beast suddenly turned on him. Buffo had both kneecaps bitten off but suffered no other injuries. Simba the lion, real name George Henderson, claimed that he had warned Buffo twice about nipping his tail. When Buffo ignored the supreme African predator for a third time he decided to teach him a lesson he wouldn’t forget. Buffo has refused to press charges and hopes to keep his job after a year in traction. George the lion was reluctant to comment although he did have this to say, “Laugh now ya fucking clown”.