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  National Convention of Clowns Ends in Brawl

  Police were called in last night after the Annual Glasgow Clown Convention ended in a small-scale riot. Scottish police had to send in their specialist Buffoon Squad to quell the fighting after a few of the clowns had a disagreement about big shoes. Following an evening’s drinking, some of the clowns decided to see who had the biggest shoes and a scuffle broke out. Bobo the clown, real name Enrique Blapp, from Madrid threw a custard pie at Lardo the clown, real name Edgar Hapless from Stornoway, who retaliated by squirting him with his water flower. Local Glaswegian clown Jimmy Pish, real name Jimmy Pish, then waded in with a crowbar and a meat-softening hammer and raised the brawl to a whole new level. Heads were split open, eyes gouged out and testicles smashed. Nine clowns were arrested and twenty were taken to hospital. An arrest warrant has been issued for Jimmy Pish who is thought to be on the run in Kenya with his African half-brother Mr Pickles.

  Top Clown Retires

  One of the world’s leading clowns has announced his retirement. Drampo the clown, real name Lorraine Nauseous, was the first clown to be a man with a woman’s name. His retirement party was held in Tommy Tubbo’s big circus tent in the village of Gloup on the beautiful island of Shetland and was attended by the world’s most annoying clowns. An unexpected attendee was Ploppo the clown, real name Iris Crabtree, from Northern Bolton. Drampo and Ploppo had fallen out and had not spoken for over thirty years. Their disagreement started at Drampo’s wedding where he was marrying the lady clown Cretto, real name Eliza-Jane Labia. As the happy couple drove off into the sunset Ploppo had secretly rigged their car doors to fall off, hoping to get a big laugh. Unfortunately, the doors fell off at 60mph and Cretto fell out of the car and in a freak accident was trampled to death by a runaway carthorse. However, at his big bash, Drampo decided to forgive Ploppo and the two chatted for hours while letting off stink bombs and throwing rotten eggs at other passing clowns. The evening culminated in a firework display where one of the lesser clowns, Spiffo, real name Charlie Globate, was fired from a cannon. Unfortunately, the canon was overloaded with dynamite and Spiffo was fired more than fifty miles out over the North Sea where he crashed into an oilrig and was killed. Drampo was first to announce that it was a sad loss to clowning, as he slapped a fellow clown in the face with a raw salmon.

  Top Band Announce Break Up

  Guttural Phlegm Game to Split

  Writes our bebop freelancer Eamon Dacknoid

  One of Britain’s most successful bands, Guttural Phlegm Game, has decided to call it a day. GPG, as they are known by their millions of devoted fans, held a press conference this morning in Central London to announce their split. Hundreds of millions of fans had queued all night for a ticket to the split announcement, but only a lucky few million managed to squeeze into the Darcy Balanism Memorial Hall in Muswell Hill. Sitting at a long table made of solid gold were singer Peter Glarriet, guitarist Pustulence Brown, bassist Gavin Blimhagg, drummer Gonville Vadose and, unusually for a modern rock band, triangle player Gordon Upducky.

  The band looked tired and worn out, especially Glarriet, who was drinking straight Advocaat out of a soup ladle. The other four also looked as if they had been out on one of their infamous all-night benders. Brown, dressed in a yellow leotard, was nursing a black eye and drinking mead out of a top hat. Blimhagg had arrived in only a pair of swimming trunks and had a dartboard tattooed on his chest. It appeared as if the dartboard had been well used as he was covered in blood and thousands of tiny pin pricks. Vadose was consuming whisky by the pint glass and was gnawing his way through an entire spit of kebab meat and was covered in grease from head to foot. Gordon Upducky was dressed in a smart trousers and jumper combo and looked refreshed as he sipped a china cup of herbal mint tea. The adventures and misadventures of GPG are the stuff of legend and have been widely publicised over their thirty-year career.

  As a young band starting out in 1983, their heady mix of catchy tunes, good looks and heavy drinking soon got them noticed. Their first ever gig at the Gubbenstery Civic Centre on the 4th of August 1983 was a memorable and explosive affair. They only played ten songs, including their first single “Exudate of the Vermin”, but it wasn’t the music that made their first gig memorable. As the band finished their last tune, the barnstorming finale, “Scabies of the Parasitic Mites”, one of their adoring fans climbed on stage and hugged and kissed Glarriet. The lead singer took exception to this intrusion and attacked the blond teenager with a scythe. Before security could intervene, Glarriet had butchered the young girl into over a hundred pieces as he was egged on by the baying crowd. After a ticking off from the local constabulary, Glarriet treated the crowd to an impromptu encore and premiered two of their new songs, “Bacterium of the Mind” and “My Virulent Convulsion”, both of which were future number ones. Glarriet also agreed to play a gig in the dead girl’s parents’ house, with all the proceeds going to charity. However, at the end of the gig, the band set fire to the house and burnt it to the ground.

  No GPG tour was complete without an episode of madness from notorious hell-raising guitarist Pustulence Brown. While touring Argentina and Bolivia in 1986, the band had two days off and found themselves at a loose end. As the rest of the band headed to the beach at Comodoro Rivadavia to try out their new harpoon guns, Brown went to the local market and bought the world’s most powerful guitar amplifier, the 1000-watt Augmenter F1. It took six men to get the amp back to Brown’s top floor hotel suite and he immediately plugged it in and let rip. As he played the first two chords of “Brucellosis Blues”, the sheer power of the amp blew the top off the hotel and fired Brown fifty yards onto the main road where he was hit by a local bus. Brown was taken to hospital with cuts and bruises but ended up being forcibly ejected by hospital security after breaking into the pharmacy. Back at the hotel, no one had been killed but about fifty people had sustained head injuries from falling masonry. However, a herd of about 100 llamas in an adjacent field were killed by a combination of flying roof slates and fright.

  In 1990, while touring Cameroon, the band were due to play their final gig in the capital Yaoundé when an infamous incident took place. The boys had run out of hard drugs and bassist Gavin Blimhagg and drummer Gonville Vadose were notorious for needing vast quantities of drugs to sustain their dynamic style of live playing. Glarriet and Brown were already zonked from an afternoon game of drink the bar dry and triangle player Gordon Upducky was pressing dried flowers in his room. Blimhagg and Vadose left the hotel to score some drugs and apparently imbibed far too much of some highly potent, mind-altering African narcotic that they had never encountered before. As the story goes, Glarriet, Brown, Upducky and the rest of the well-to-do guests at the five star Golden Ringworm Hotel were more than taken aback at the sight of Blimhagg and Vadose sitting astride two longhorn cows at the front of a herd of about 100 cattle, which they proceeded to stampede through the luxury hotel. They careered through the hotel from the bottom all the way up to the twentieth floor, where the boys had their luxury penthouse. When they reached the penthouse they just kept on going and charged their way through the safety railings on the balcony and led the whole terrified herd over the edge to plummet the 390-feet into the swimming pool below. The swimming pool and patio area was a scene of carnage with drowned cows, petrified guests and fragments of bovine carcass covering the entire area. Amazingly, Blimhagg and Vadose had ridden their cows all the way down and were still sitting astride them when they clambered out of the shallow end of the pool. Police quickly arrived at the scene but let the boys off with a caution. The whole band then went on to play one of their best ever gigs at the Yaoundé Lyceum.

  As the journalists and TV reporters began to question the band about their reasons for splitting up, each member of the group gave different reasons. Glarriet wanted to enter rehab, Brown wanted to enter rehab to get well enough to take even more drugs, Blimhagg wanted to open a quiet country shop specialising in guns and dynamite, Vadose was keen to join th
e armed conflict in Luxembourg to fight on the side of the Neo-Protestant Catholic guerrilla faction and Upducky said he was keen to publicise triangle playing in Kenya and Greenland. As the questioning of the band continued and the level of wailing and sobbing by distraught fans increased, the members of GPG grew increasingly fidgety and uncomfortable as they sat at their enormous gold table. They had consumed all the alcohol they had brought to the press conference and had sent a runner to acquire emergency supplies from the local supermarket. All of a sudden, the entire band and their manager, Arthur Spanzian, went into a huddle and started muttering to one another out of earshot of the reporters. This continued for an hour before Spanzian said that front man Peter Glarriet had an announcement to make. Glarriet slowly rose to his feet and said that after a deep and meaningful discussion with all the band members, Guttural Phlegm Game had decided to reform. The cheering and whooping of the crowd nearly took the roof off the old Memorial Hall as fans celebrated. Glarriet asked the crowd for hush as he announced that their comeback gig would start in five minutes. All the boys suddenly jumped up on top of the gold table and stripped naked. Roadies came running in with their instruments and the lights dimmed. The five stark naked rock icons then launched into an ear-splitting live rendition of their comeback single “Ablation of the Mind Cyst”.

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  Gubbenstery College

  New Courses now available

  Gubbenstery College is proud to announce the launch of several new courses. Following a kind donation of one hundred million pounds by the well-known multimillionaire inventor Sir Bertrand Pallid, we now offer an unrivalled miscellany of new and fascinating courses leading to almost degree-like qualifications. Sir Bertrand, who invented the unfledged pigeon (squab) display cabinet, self-cleaning tights and his world-leading range of flavoured curtains, has insisted that his donation be spent wisely on new courses found in no other university, and not frittered away on long term development of the college. Two of our most exciting new courses are listed below.

  Urban Dog Training Techniques (Theory and Practice)

  You will be taught how to round up dogs on the streets of quiet neighbourhoods using all available modern techniques. Dogs, particularly ones minding their own business, will be chased, cornered and goaded into making a mistake, where upon they will be seized and put into a metal dustbin ready for repatriation to a designated safe zone. Experienced lecturers will instruct you on how to safely release the dogs into a confined area where they will undergo familiarization training. Familiarizing experts will teach you how to burst paper bags loudly, bang cymbals together, let off loud fireworks and then reward the dogs with bowls of lard and lettuce. Applicants must be good at running and be able to laugh out loud.

  (Contact: Professor Nedrick Cuspidor on Gubbenstery 7070).

  Combined Witchcraft, Jujuism and Necromancy

  Learn all the wonders of Witchcraft, both real and imagined, and prepare yourself for a dazzling future career in the exciting world of terrible goings-on. You will learn the basics such as spells, hexes and newt dissection, before moving on to more advanced techniques such as growing your own warts, cauldron preparation, shrinking people and cackling. As you progress through the various stages of the course, your former friends and associates will find your presence more and more alarming and disconcerting, and this will be a tribute to your dedication to the dark arts. Finally, you will be instructed by experts how to perform much more hair-raising and startling wizardry, such as raising the dead, hocus-pocus, gobbledygook and mumbo jumbo.

  (Contact: Dame Clarinda de Spittoon at [email protected]).

  Other new and exhilarating courses coming soon:

  •Advanced High Jinx and Escapades

  •Introduction to Coshing, Bludgeoning and Clubbing

  •The History of Gutlessness and Spinelessness

  •Lilliputian Business Administration for Dwarves and Pygmies

  •The Poems and Essays of Vic Drubbing

  •Intermediate Deception, Hoaxing and Swindling

  •Sawdust Appreciation (Level 3)

  This advert is sponsored by Radio Gubbenstery, 101.5 FM “We Mo Be There.”

  Reasonable Breakfast Opportunities

  Book Sale at Janice Skonko’s Book Outlet. New titles include: Cookery for Maniacs, Anti-Boring Tips for New Mums, Poetry for Reptiles, Learning for Idiots (Volumes 1 – 6,000) and The Bumper Book of Lying Politicians. We are open every August at 4am. Find us at 19 Lovepod Ave, Gubbenstery.

  Big fat man called Big Herbert Lardex seeks friendship of big woman called Big Joyce and big horse called Big Harold for extensive girlie and equine adventures on a daily basis.

  Email:[email protected].

  Local priest and part-time bow and arrow salesman Father Lucifer O’Devil would like his congregation to be made aware that from next Friday he will be known as Father Lucifer O’Princeofdarkness, or simply “Lou” to all his favourite parishioners.

  East Buntyside resident “Mad” Johnny Ballcake would like to know if any of you sissies from Gubbenstery fancied a fight on Saturday night. If so, meet me behind the gasworks at midnight ya bunch of fairies.

  Massive collection of illegitimate children for sale. Ages range from 1 – 60 and all are certified legal in Belgium and Chad. Simply turn up, fill out the form and pick one. Everyone loves a child for Christmas, but hurry, they’re selling fast! Visit Kiddyworld at Unit 6, Bastard Business Park, Southwest East Buntyside.

  Economically priced collection of children’s toys, such as dolls, racing cars, footballs, catapults, jackhammers and buzz saws all exquisitely crafted from delicious English corned beef. Call in to our fully refrigerated Toy Emporium at 92 Ringworm Street, Gubbenstery.

  Ask Marjorie!

  Let Agony Aunt Marjorie Fetid solve your problems

  Dear Marjorie,

  I am a 59 year-old woman and I am unable to play the piano. What do you suggest? Nora Spunty, Renfrew.

  Marjorie says:

  Well Nora, looks like you’ve got quite a problem. I could play the piano by the time I was twelve, so you’re in a tight spot. I suggest you learn to play the piano.

  Dear Marjorie,

  I am a 59 year-old woman and can’t find my dildo anywhere. I told my mum but she refuses to buy me a new one, so I’ll need to buy one myself. What type do you suggest? Phyllis Bunnery, Cheadle Hulme.

  Marjorie says:

  The one I use is the Power Plunger and it does the trick, although I think there is a new one on the market which is more powerful called the Mighty Impaler. Let me know how you get on.

  Dear Marjorie,

  I am a 59 year-old man and would like to hire some wasps and possibly a giraffe for my daughter’s ruby wedding anniversary. Any ideas? Digby Dratiss, Garstank.

  Marjorie says:

  That’s an easy one Digby. Write to my friend Mucky Nesbitt at 84 Bewilder Road, Spunley-on-Sea. Mention my name and he’ll sort you out.

  Dear Marjorie,

  I am a 59 year-old man who loves ginger biscuits but my 59-year old slob of a wife keeps eating them all. What should I do? Dorian Vajina, Bratislava.

  Marjorie says:

  That’s a tough one Dorian. You will either have to buy a bigger tin of biscuits or get a divorce. Alternatively, you could acquire a handgun and shoot your wife just above the ear.

  Dear Marjorie,

  I am an 18 year-old girl and I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with my mum and dad. When I come home from work, he’s in bed with either my mum or my dad. He says there’s nothing going on and they are just chatting, but it doesn’t seem right to me. My mum is 89 and my dad is 90 and my boyfriend is 73. What should I do? Tanya Bulbous, Old Kilpatrick.

  Marjorie says:

  There’s no need to worry Tanya. This is a common occurrence and should be treated in a light-hearted and jovial manner. Your boyfriend probably is chatting to your mum and dad and perhaps they get a bit chilly and decide to continue their conversation in bed
. I think you should get into bed with them and make a night of it.

  Write to Marjorie at 1,999,000b Bloodbath Boulevard, Upper East Buntyside.

  Community News

  New Centre Opens

  By our disagreeable reporter Alfonso Bubbity

  Crowds estimated to be in the numbers packed the streets of Cornwall yesterday to celebrate the grand opening of the brand new Bernard E. Lutt Centre for Japes, Tricks and Practical Jokes. The Centre was paid for by a donation of £39,000,000 by the amateur magician and cat owner Bertie Fog, although the Centre is not named after him. The 90,000-seat centre is named after the renowned businessman and partial carpet fitter Bernard E. Lutt. Local Council leaders decided that Mr Fog didn’t have a good enough name to attach to the magnificent new building and therefore decided that Mr Lutt, a renowned carpet fitter and partial businessman would get the honour.

  The new Centre will focus on cheering up the local community and aims to put a smile on the face of all who enrol in the vast number of courses and events. Expert funsters, tricky people and practical joke maestros have been flown in from all over the world to lend their expertise to the project.

  Squeaky La Bam, the famous Argentinean jokester, will be running a course on classics, including stink bomb manufacture, sneezing powder delivery and exploding cigarettes. The 59 year-old will also be running field courses in mirth making, where innocent members of the general public will be set upon out of the blue and doused in boiling treacle. Heading up the Department of Elaborate Practical Jokes or DOEPJ, will be none other than convicted arsonist Sir Gilbert Flames, who will be focusing mainly on the burning of large buildings, while people are still in them. The Conjuring and Sleight of Hand Department, or CASOHD, will be overseen by Dr Keith Baptism. Dr Baptism, who specialises in conning elderly people out of their savings and pickpocketing in the high street, will also teach mail order fraud and entry level dove handling.